Hyperdimension Neptunia: Re:Dacted
by Hclegend
Summary: A "hilarious" retelling of the first Re;Birth game. Watch Neptune as she fights the Narrator, meets "wacky" and "interesting" new "friends" and generally tries to salvage an awful, awful concept.


Gameindustri. Much akin to the real life game industry, shit's fucked. Predatory practices are everywhere, with macrotransactions and Treasure Boxes being in nearly every Nation's game. And where are the leaders of the Nations in all of this?

Well, they did go up to the sacred realm of Celestia to negotiate a peace treaty. This was several hundred years ago. What have they been doing since then? Beating the utter shit out of each other because of complications with Lastation accepting cross-platform play with Lowee and Leanbox. This eventually devolved into a free for all with all 4 CPUs fighting for complete control over the land.

A fact that Purple Heart was keenly aware of, as she deflected yet another blow from Green Heart's spear attack, pushing her towards the edge of one of many floating islands in Celestia.

"I seriously don't understand how we can't get along." Purple Heart stated, eliciting a response from the loli bai- I mean flat-chested White Heart.

"Iz cuz ya called me mum a whore ye daft cunt!" White Heart yelled incomprehensibly, before punching Purple Heart in the face.

"You always were an angry little one, weren't you?" Purple Heart snarked back. This was evidently a mistake, judging by the crimson eyes of White Heart turning even more crimson.

"**DID YA JUST CALL ME FUKKIN FLAT YA CUNTY WHORE I'LL DECK YE OUTSIDE TESCOS I SWEAR ON ME MUM!**" she roared, before straight-up uppercutting Purple Heart before spiking her off the landmass the CPUs were fighting on top of.

Black Heart and Green Heart looked on. Flat and incomprehensible as she might be, Lowee's CPU did not fuck around when it comes to threats. It's part of why piracy in Lowee was at 0%, with the eternal fear of White Heart kicking in your door, screaming nonsense before drop kicking you through the nearest window.

Still, this left poor Purple Heart hurtling towards the world below at terminal velocity. This of course, led to the Nuking of Planeptune.

**Game Over**

Nah, I'm kidding. Neptune hit the ground _pretty hard, _though. Nevermind leaving a crater, the area she landed in would be closed for a month due to nuclear fallout.

Not that it mattered to one big-tiddied nurse who came a runnin', all suited up in her radiation suit. Bodies were hard to find in Gamindustri and she needed to get her doctorate _somehow._

Sadly, Dr. Compa would have to wait for another day as Neptune was in fact, _alive._

"Goddesses dammit." Compa kicked at the ground, ignoring the injured CPU.

"Ya gonna help me here or?" Neptune weakly rose hand to which Compa slapped it back down.

"No! I'm going to wait here until you become a corpse so I can dissect you!" She took a moment to realize what she just said. "Yes, that is my character motivation."

… No, she was very clearly remorseful of her ac-

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DOCTORS MAKE IN GAMINDUSTRI?!" Compa yelled at nobody in particular. "ENOUGH TO PAY OFF MY DEBT! GET OFF MY BACK, VOICE IN THE SKY!"

"Hey… I think your suit is leaking." Neptune got up herself, rubbing her head as she pointed out that the nurse's homemade radiation suit was in fact, leaking.

"Huh… So that's why I can taste pennies." Compa passed out before she could realize that pennies didn't actually exist in Gamindustri, but she probably has bigger issues than misusing terminology. Like cancer!

"Cancer jokes. Huh? Smooth move, author." Neptune snarked as she picked up Compa herself and headed out of the blast zone, the fallout not affecting her because… CPU biology? I don't know, I don't get paid enough to research the ramifications of a CPU absorbing radiation, give me a second. _Typey typey typey..._

Huh. Usually it ends up mutating them to a 50ft. Tall Goddess who ends up destroying their nation in an allegory for… Racism?

"Nuclear war. Fucking dumbass." Neptune snarked, clearly unhappy with the role she had to play in this story as she walked towards Planeptune, though she didn't know that due to her memory being wi-

"Nope. Remember everything. I'm the patron CPU of this Nation and the main protagonist of this video game." Neptune sighed, the nurse's weight getting to her. "Not like it was _much_ of a reveal. People reading this are probably familiar with Re;Birth 1's story already and it's revealed like… **an hour** into the game at worst. Really all the amnesia did was kick off the plot, but if I remember everything, I know what my goal would be in either case. In the end, it doesn't matter whether I remember anything or not, because my character motivation remains the same regardless."

… Huh. You have a point. Anyway, you ranted so long that you ended up in Compa's apartment.

"How?" Neptune questioned.

You shouldn't question things in a Parody, Neptune. It always ends up badly.

"Whatever." She started to search through the apartment for something to cure Compa's radiation sickness. Sadly she had _just_ ran out of Radaway, but she did have some radiation absorbing bandages. They only work when put on bare skin, however…

"No." Neptune crossed her arms, box of bandages in her right hand. "I am **not** doing that. It was weird and fanservicey in the original game when _I_ was awake. She's _unconscious. _For fuck's sake, what is **wrong** with you."

Refusing to treat Compa's wounds, she died in her sleep from radiation poisoning, thus the plot never advanced. The end.

**Game Over**

"Shove it out your ass." Neptune kicked down the Game Over screen, apparently managing to grab some Radaway during the Game Over screen and hooked up the bag into Compa's arm, having to move the sleeve of the sweater to jam the IV in. Hanging the bag from a convenient thing for hanging IV bags, Neptune sat and patiently waited.

"I wouldn't **have** to wait if you didn't compare my fall to a nuclear bomb for a gag." Neptune sighed as she watched over the nurse as she slowly recovered. Perhaps the radiation sickness was a tad exaggerated, as she woke up within minutes of the IV being shoved in her arm.

"Wuzzat… I was having the most _wonderful_ dream." Compa said woozily. "I was a doctor and I was working at this hospital with this _crazy cast_ of characters while the janitor **hated** my guts for some reason…"

"Well, glad you're not dead. Having a kill count is not good for a protagonist." Neptune breathed a sigh of relief, ignoring the fact that there _were_ people in that park who would later die of radiation poisoning.

"Oh no! We have to go recover their bo- save them!" Compa gasped in shock as she tried to cover up her one defining character trait in this parody.

"Yeah, sure whatever…" Neptune rolled her eyes at the obvious railroading. "We'll probably end up fighting a mutant scarab or something. Can you fight?"

Compa pulled out an assault rifle. "Bitch, does it _look_ like I can fight?" She threw the M4 to the ground and pulled out a giant needle almost the size of her. "Because I can't…"

Neptune was speechless for a moment. "But the… assault rifle…"

"That's for self-defense. I'd need to go to the Guild to get it registered for use in Quests and it's a lotta effort and I've been _really busy…"_

Neptune held up a hand to stop her. "I get it. Geez, the M4 would be _really_ useful, though…"

Compa shrugged. "Narrative convenience. I got a syringe gun anyway!" She pulled out a device, the barrel filled with sharp needles as the bottom was decorated with Compa's usual shtick of pink and hearts. "I got the needles loaded with paralyzing poison. Fuck the hippocratic oath, you know how many sleezy guys try to come on to me?" She "cocked" the needle gun… Somehow. "Let's do this."

The two left, the Planeptune day greeting the pair as Neptune noticed something… Off.

"Swords! Get your swords here! You there in the purple! Want a sword?" An early 20s male asked the purple protagonist.

"You're _giving away _swords?" She pondered aloud to which the non-specific male laughed.

"Well yes, but I expect money in exchange for the sword. It's this _crazy_ new concept called **Capitalism!**™"

"Woah!" Neptune gasped in surprise. Back in _her_ day, people just _gave away _weapons! Well, in exchange for goods or services. "How much can I get for…" Neptune checked her pockets as moths flew out. "Nothing?"

The male stared, before reaching into his stand and pulling out a bamboo stick shaped like a stick. "Here you go slugger. Don't poke your eye out with it."

Neptune gave a deadpan stare. "I'm actually planning on using this as a _legitimate weapon_. Can I cite you as the cause of my inevitable death?"

He shrugged. "Knock yourself out. I'm not responsible for what you do _post-sale_. I'm just giving you a training sword in the hopes that you can train someone for some Credits to buy a _real_ katana off of me one day. Or a big-ass claymore if you're feeling _spicy_."

Damn shopkeepers and their unions.

"I'm actually just a start-up. Been a rough month, Guild takes most of my business due to having bulk deals on weapons, but I make all mine by hand… Well I have a local blacksmith give me a discount. Heavy discount. Like she's _barely_ making a profit herself. I do take custom orders, if you want a nice blue spellsword or something like that. Even get an engraved name for you. Great gift for the missus."

Neptune had fallen asleep during the shopkeeper's tangent. "Rude." He muttered, before waking out of the counter and slapping her awake himself.

"OH GOD IS THIS A HENTAI." Neptune yelled as she awoke from a dream involving _way_ too many cables.

"No. But if you're interested…"

Compa's eyes shone for a minute. "Hentai is how I was inspired to become a doctor!"

Neptune snapped her fingers, attracting the attention of both perverts. "Hey! T-Rated. Means you can't go on about hentai! Sick fucks…" Neptune took her new wooden blade and stormed off towards the impact site, Compa following suit after a quick goodbye and exchanging of phone numbers.

"Sweet. Got a big-tiddied nurses' phone number and she's a degenerate." It was most unfortunate that karma decided that was too good for him, as his phone crashed unexpectedly, bricking the device and forever losing the number.

The NPC fell to his knees. "NO!" he cried dramatically…

Ah fuck it. He was hit by a truck too.

"Wait, I'm not even on a roa-"

A truck came out of nowhere and landed on him. For extra irony, it was a hentai truck. Thanks truck-kun.

"Honk-honk." It replied, being a truck and all, before speeding off to create more isekai. Godspeed, you magnificent bastard.

* * *

Arriving back at the impact site, the area was surrounded by red tape as Basilicom staff in radiation suits inspected the area.

"What do you think it is, sir?" One member asked another.

"I don't know. It could be the return of Lady Purple Heart?"

The first staff member shook his head. "Can't be. The impact holw has no boob craters. It's also not 100 ft deep."

"... You've been watching those cheesy B-movies about giant women again, haven't you?"

"OUT OF THE WAY, GODDESS COMING THROUGH." The yelling of one Neptune broke them out of their stupor.

"W-wait, young miss! This area is _flooded_ with radiation and- she just walked into the danger zone." The guard sighed. "Why do I even do this?"

Neptune rolled her eyes as she shoved her way past the guards, radiation bouncing off her body as she went right for the crater, an area even the guards hadn't risked entering due to the geiger counter they _were_ using _exploding_.

Neptune stood in the crater for several seconds, arms crossed as she just stared. "I can't transform, but the fact I'm not _dead_ proves I'm your CPU."

"Pretty bold argument, young lady. You could just have a rare mutation that allows you to absorb more radiation!" The B-Movie watching guard refuted to which Neptune sighed.

"I. Cannot. Transform. What, do you think I chugged a bottle of Rad-X and have a Radaway hidden in my parka?" Neptune really did need to hire better staff.

"Well **now** I do! Take off your clothes!" The first guard commanded.

"You are so fired… Fucking lolicon." Neptune muttered as the ground around the crater started to rumble before collapsing. Neptune, expecting this, managed to land in a superhero-like fashion. "Nailed it." She said.

A giant scarab-like creature awaited her, holding a blade suited for it in one of its hands. The radiation was probably to blame for this-

"WE GET IT!" Neptune yelled to nobody in particular. "THIS FIRST CHAPTER IS ALL ABOUT THE FALLOUT OF MY FALL. SHUT THE _FUCK _UP ABOUT IT."

… Wow, that hurt my feelings.

"Good." Was all she said, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

But it didn't. The scarab swung its blade at her, decapitating her and killing the protagonist instantly.

**Game Over**

"That is my third game over and this is only the first fight." Neptune sighed as she sliced through the Game Over screen this time. "Alright, I'm sorry. It is actually a pretty clever way to start this. Just _please_ get on with it. I think the readers know it's irradiated… Also put my head back on."

With a _snap_ time went back about 30 seconds or so. "Nailed it." Neptune repeated as she got back up to two feet.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" A tiny fairy voice started talking to the hero.

"Yeah, can you restore my CPU form? I have ass to kick and a Nation to reform." Neptune wanted this over with as fast as possible. "Obviously you want me to find the four keys and that bu-"

"Actually, I'm fine." The voice assured the hero. "I have been running Planeptune in your absence, Lady Purple Heart. My name is Histoire and-"

"Cool, same situation as in Hyperdimension. **CPU form. Before I die**." Neptune was very insistent on this.

The voice sighed. "Very well. I do need to speak to you in the Basilicom, so having your CPU form would be a benefit to us both."

Neptune raised her (wooden) blade to the sky as she said something she hadn't said in several hundred years. "ACCESS!"

In a flash of light, she became taller, more covered and got a pair of tits to boot. She was now Purple Heart, defender of Planeptune.

"_Nice._" She said in her now much more mature voice. "I missed this." She pointed her now black and purple (steel) blade at her opponent. "My name is Neptune. You killed my father, prepare to die."

The scarab tilted its head at the unnecessary _Princess Bride_ reference as Neptune charged _through_ the creature and slashed. A second or two later, reality caught up with the goddess as the creature was gorily sliced in half.

"Easy." Purple Heart stated as she went back to her human form in a flash of light. "Now how is Compa going to get down here?" Remembering that the geiger counter broke near the crater and her homemade radiation suit was in fact, complete shit.

"Over here, Nep-Nep!" Compa waved at the goddess, having taken a cab through the intended entrance of the cave, syringe gun in hand. "I saw your CPU form and can I just say… I'm sorry I tried to dissect someone so _hot._"

Neptune rolled her eyes. "Seriously? You don't feel bad for trying to slice and dice a _goddess_, but for trying to dissect someone who's _hot?_"

"I've seen a _lot_ of hentai Nep-Nep. You look like you can take a few hundred-"

Neptune put a hand to her face. "Come on. We don't need this going to an M-Rating. We're already borderline with the current amount of hentai jokes and what I _just fucking did._"

Compa shook her head. "I think at this point this fic is doomed for M-Rating no matter how much we try…"

"YOU'RE NOT **EVEN TRYING**!" Neptune yelled back at the psychotic nurse, probably a bad idea but-

"As for _you_." Neptune pointed her wooden sword at no one in particular. "You're the one who even came up with the idea of _stripping Compa naked and putting radiation absorbing bandages on her, you __**degenerate scum!**_"

Oh Goddesses Above, Neptune is _pissed._ That's not good for anyone involved. She started to head towards the fourth wall and with a swift kick, it was down and OH GOD SHE'S BEATING ME TO DEATH WITH HER BAMBOO STICK AAAAAAA _*dead narrator noises*_

"Finally."

"Uh, Nep-Nep? You killed the Narrator."

"And?"

"That kinda means we have no way to move. Or do anything but flap our lips."

"And?"

"I don't think the readers would like that. That and I think it's actually against the rules of the site."

"Feh. Rules. I could just be the Narrator and tell the story from my perspective." I figured, putting a hand to my chin as I realized I could move again!

"Nep-Nep, you did it!" Compa cheered as she jumped up and down, her meat puppies going along for the ride. Oh god, this will be M-Rated. Oh well, time to say _the seven._

"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits." I nodded my head. "We're in M-Rated town now Compa."

"Yay! We can have sex scenes!" Compa seemed _way_ too excited for that in particular.

"Okay, so I know I'm meant to _run into_ you, but you're taking your sweet fucking time." A jacket clad woman joined the conversation. "And apparently I'm now missing out on dirty talk. Hot."

I shook the brown-haired "stranger's" hand. "Neptune."

"Idea Factory. Though obviously as I'm a self-insert, I need a cooler name. Hence, IF." She greeted with all the sublety of Truck-Kun.

"Honk honk?" The truck asked from the hole above us.

"No, nobody needs isekaing yet. Just metaphors."

"Honk…" The truck slowly backed away, warning lights and siren going off as it did so.

"Never thought I'd see a _truck_ be sad." IF put a hand to her chin. "This is a weird turn of events to be sure. Also why are you the narrator now, Nep?"

"I killed the other one." I explain simply. "That and I think the guy writing all this is more used to writing in first person anyway."

IF rubbed the back of her head. "I'm not sure about this… Maybe we should _save our game_ and continue when there's a new, non-prick narrator to guide us?"

"_Save. Our. Game._" I sigh as I pinch the bridge of where my nose should be. "Subtle. Really."

IF shrugged. "There's a Save Point right over there. I'll call up the Guild and see if someone else can't take over the narrator role. I just don't want to chance of you setting up a lesbian relationship between me and Compa- Ah crap, I shouldn't have known that yet!"

"I'm pretty sure at this point all subtlety has been thrown aside." I sighed, realizing what the _hell_ we were in for. "I _literally killed the narrator_ and we're not even at the second chapter yet."

"Of the game or the story?" IF pondered as Compa pouted about her lack of hot lesbian sex.

"Yes." I answer simply before heading to the Save Point IF had mentioned and well, saving my game… Right over a 70-hour save with Level 999 characters and all the content completed. _Whoops._

"Oh my god Neptune that was _MY SAVE_!"

* * *

**A/N: **Not sure if I should continue this. I made a very good stopping off point, but I have _three other stories_ I'm still writing. Granted one of them is complete, but I'm still writing _bonus_ chapters for it.

God, I really need to get laid.


End file.
